Anxiety, OCD, shame, judgment, self-hatred, guilt with pornography and masturbation, questioning my sexuality, pulling away from people when I feel hurt, etc. These elements and more are a part of my story and my journey and for some time I have wrestled with tackling big concepts sometimes at a distance, talking about it cerebrally, in some ways apart from my own self and my own struggles.
Recently I have been wrestling with the desire to reach more people, to impact others to see themselves, life, faith, God, etc. in a different way, reframing issues that many of us have judged, especially myself. And I still intend on doing that, but from a different angle. One that is more personal; actually, deeply personal.
I have found that I have given my own story a minor role in my writings and podcast episodes, highlighting more of the issues from an impersonal lens. Well, actually, all my writings are personal, spending hours, days, and weeks churning on these concepts and dimensions; going through the torment, wrestling with them in the late hours of the night, going on short, spontaneous rage-filled road trips to exorcise the lost and hungry state I find myself in, in the hopes that something will click.
I listen to and read the ideas of a few people that I highly respect and revere, who tour the world, generate podcast episode after episode every week, overflowing with beautiful, thought-provoking, mind bending, soul-energizing nuggets; and I find myself wrought with inspiration and frustration, longing to make an impact, to be a part of the unstoppable Healing Presence in this world.
And as I fixate on the journey and process of these thinkers and the wonderful effect they have on the world, I miss something significant…myself. My own voice gets lost and forgotten; stifled in the throes of comparison. Anxiously and fearfully I scramble to sound like them, to parallel their soul travels, all the while neglecting my own.
There is not one journey that is the same. There may be similar dynamics in the process of change, but it is still unique to that individual. Everyone has some facet of this Divine Love to share with the world; their own idiosyncratic marking that comes with the prerequisites of pain, “death”, agony, ecstasy, joy, toil, struggle, weeping, laughter, and all the other elements that facilitate this process of change and becoming.
I would consider not sharing this journey to be a tragedy, something the world is missing out on and needs to hear. For it to be contained, silenced, stifled or hidden is quite possibly egregious and sadly unfortunate; because who knows the impact such honesty and openness will bring, allowing others to come into the light, to move into connection, to see that Love we are deeply yearning for.
It is courageous to move against the grain, or that neurological pull to hide and stay barricaded in the shadows, when the markings of pain and struggle is exactly what others need to see and hear to be given permission to enter into their own journey of healing and uncovering.
So with a helpful nudge from some close support in my life, I want to rip off the “protective” coverings and share with you the intricacies of my own journey in the hopes that you or anyone who reads this will experience hope, compassion, inspiration and whatever else that generates boldly going into the unknown corridors of your own heart and see your struggles in a completely different light, given permission to explore and look within.
Jesus did say the “kingdom of God is within you” and also says to “seek first the kingdom”. If anyone is turned off by “religious” jargon, I get it. There are many religious things I have been turned off by and still am. But in other words, Jesus is saying to look within and find that inner voice, the inner voice that leads you to greater connection, a Divine Connection. Listen to it, for your own soul is communicating to you. Don’t turn it off, shut it down, pull away, quiet it, douse it. Our own hearts are sending us messages about things not being right about the world and a hunger that yearns for things to be put back together or united. That’s a powerful system and I will hopefully show you that in my own personal revealings.
May it bless you in a way that moves you to travel inside your own soul and discover what has been buried within all this time, a Love deeply ingrained and waiting to be revealed to all.